Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Presence of God ((2) cont'd)

[Preceding posts in this area are here, here, and possibly here].

I tried to party with my pals, but my heart wasn't in it. After about an hour, I headed back to my apartment, and picked up the McDowell's book again.

I sat and read through most of the book one more time, and started to feel a sense of struggle in my heart. Every time I turned a page I felt reluctance, primarily because I did not want to think about the consequences of the book. I thought about how calling myself a "Christian" would come off to my friends, and about how much pride I would have to swallow to accept what this little book was saying.

I struggled back and forth for several hours. I stood out on the deck of my apartment and looked out at the nighttime sky. I felt the pull of the arguments in the book. I mulled them over. My body felt physical tension from the thoughts racing through my head. Finally, feeling exhausted, I went to bed, thinking it entirely possible that, on the deck of my apartment one fall evening in law school, I had accepted Christ and become a Christian, of all things.

I woke the next morning refreshed. Writing the previous evening off as a moment of weakness, I resolved to put the arguments of McDowell's little book out of my head.

And that is exactly what I did. For another couple of years.